May God grant me the endurance to see this study carried out.
I have been thinking more about my prior attitude toward Scripture, and more specifically my idea of God’s plans for me, and a new word came to mind: entitled. The pride I carried inside as I approached God, and the bitterness I have felt towards Him since I realized His plans do not–and have not–matched my own, can be better accounted for and understood when I admit to myself that not only did I expect “great things” (a phrase warranting re-evaluation in and of itself), but, more shamefully, I actually felt entitled to them. I was willing to boldly follow God’s lead to the ends of the earth, facing unimaginable dangers along the way in the name of turning hearts to Christ in heaps and bunches, so why wouldn’t God use me to do so? Surely He would not waste such a readied solider. Surely He would not bench a player with such promise and possibilities (this is exactly how I felt, no exaggeration). While I could never even dream of denying I have received many, many blessings on this path that God, in His wisdom, has graciously chosen for me, the restlessness in my spirit prevails. As much as it pains me to admit it, I had been so sure my faith was a wildfire that would catch if it was only given the room, but now that I see how easily shaken it was/is by simply being denied my heart’s desires, it is far more like the seed upon the rock, peaking and wasting in the blink of an eye. No wonder God has not opened a door to ministry. He discerns the fragility in my heart even as I feel invincible, and I do not think it in His character to feed my idolatry. For my sickening display of pride and insolence–for God condemns hypocrisy–I deserve His wrath, but have received only the finest blessings from Him. This is a story of love and mercy, not one of divine betrayal, as I have been treating it. I believe God might by preparing my heart to seek repentance from a place of purity, but I know, too, that I still harbor some level of resistance. God has been exceedingly patient with me, and I pray He would help me continue to unravel and come to Him truly anew.